Not Good Enough

March 2012 019It happened again! That thought in the back of my mind that just won’t stay away…you know the one, you are not good enough! I don’t know where it comes from but it has been with me for years and years, that old sinking feeling that no matter what I do I am not good enough.

The first time I really remember feeling that I was not good enough and that my effort was not good enough was while in elementary school. I remember being invited to a birthday party for a classmate and I was so excited about going. I already knew that I would wear my very best dress and I would have a gift wrapped nicely to give to the little girl who was having a birthday party. I rode my bike across town with the gift in the basket of my bike and just as I was arriving in the yard I saw another little girl going inside for the party. She was dressed in a store-bought dress and I was in a homemade dress. She had on socks with lovely lace ruffles sewn around the edges and she wore dress shoes. I knew instantly that I was not good enough to enter that house and attend the party. I waited until the door closed and then I took the gift and slowly walked to the door and rang the doorbell. I explained to the girl’s mother who answered the door that I was not able to stay for the party however I wanted to drop the gift off for my classmate. The Mom tried to coax me into the home but I was too ashamed of my dress to go to my classmate’s ninth birthday party. As I rode my bike home and tears streaming down my face it came to me that I was not good enough to be at the party. I lived on the poor side of town, my parents both worked at a time when most Mom’s stayed home, my house was rented and not owned, my dress was homemade and my shoes came from the second-hand thrift store. I knew my place was not at my classmate’s party.

Back to School and other stuff 040I never attended any parties I was invited to again until I had to stay all night at a slumber party while in high school. It was a party given in honor of all the girls who were selected for all-state band or chorus and I was one that had been chosen. I knew that I had to go because my Mom had said that I would be delighted to be there. She obviously didn’t know about that voice in the back of my head that said I was not good enough and I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her! I knew that I didn’t fit in the moment my parents dropped me off at the home the party was to take place. What I remember most about that night was the vast distance between the other girls and me. I didn’t care as much about my looks as they did, oh don’t get me wrong, I wanted to look nice, but I didn’t pamper myself as they did. I felt miserable but put my best face forward and I think I hid my feelings well.

When I got married we were broke and I knew that we would be broke for a long time because we were students. I felt more comfortable with being broke than I did when we began to have some money and nice things. I remember the first time I realized that my lifestyle was changing and my status in life was changing from being a poor student’s wife to a military officer’s wife. I rose to the challenge and I learned all I could about military etiquette and rank and status. There was a special order that was to be followed and I didn’t want to make any mistakes. I actually cooked dinner and served a three star general as a second lieutenants’ wife! That was never heard of at that time but I did! All the time I felt that same chant in the back of my head that I was not good enough.

Years later after the divorce I was taking college classes and I had to battle the old well-worn attitude that I was not good enough. Every time I got an A I felt it was not deserved, even though I had spent hours and hours preparing my studies. When I graduated cum laude I felt like the college must have made a mistake and that I couldn’t possibly be good enough to graduate with such honors. When I completed a master’s degree I questioned if my college was really a good college because they granted me a Master’s Degree! I mean I had worked very hard to achieve good grades but I thought that my excelling was because my university was no good! That was how my head felt and that was when I said enough is enough!

May Flowers 054I am good enough! I am good enough because I have lived sixty years on this earth and achieved more than most and I should realize that I am good enough. I am good enough because I follow Jesus Christ and He has validated me as one of His which makes me good enough! I am good enough because I am a princess of God! I am good enough and the lie that I have believed all these years, that lie that has driven me to the point of frustration on more than one occasion is a lie. That lie that comes naturally through the course of divorce that says no wonder you are divorced because you are not good enough is still a lie! I am good enough! I was good enough as a child, I was good enough as a teenager and I am certainly good enough as an adult!

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, (New International Version or NIV).

Like the Apostle Paul, I have battled a weakness, a torment from Satan, that I am not good enough. I became good enough the day I accepted Christ as my Savior and was baptized at age eight! I made the commitment to be a follower of Jesus Christ on that day and I have never regretted that decision. As a young college student we were challenged to find a life verse and I adopted the best one of all Philippians 4:13. I have leaned upon that verse more than any other verse in scripture and I am thankful that God has seen me through good times and bad. I have lived as Paul describes, through good times and not so good times.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13, (NIV).

Strength is necessary when battling the lie that I am not good enough. I find this verse such a help during the heat of battle. I know that without God, without Jesus Christ I am not good enough but praise God that Jesus came to earth as a babe, lived to adulthood and then died on a cross for my sins, rose again to be victorious over death and is waiting for me where we will spend eternity together. I am good enough because Christ made me good enough. He wants you to be with us in eternity, are you ready? Have you answered His call? Feb 2015 005

Until next time…Katherine

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