With all the elections going on in the USA and the fact that I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy subjects lately, I thought it a good idea to write something rather humorous. Well, at least it is my brand of humor, which leans just north of sarcasm and east of macabre! So grab your hat, pull up your bra straps and get ready to laugh, or cry, or think that I’m just plain weird!
I was in the shower a little while ago and some thoughts struck me as to some important things that I have learned in my sixty-one years on this planet. One of the first wonderful things I learned is to shave my legs with my left hand as well as my right hand. It made shaving those limbs so much easier! I can reach the stubble, or forest depending on the time of year, much easier by switching my razor to the other hand! So cool! Another thing that really lifted my life was learning that the little finger nail if kept just a bit long is a great ear cleaner especially when in the shower! Try it sometime! Oh, you already have? Well that’s great; I’m not the only one!!! Who knew?
Let’s move out of the shower and into dinnertime. Eat your carrots! They do improve night vision. (((I thought they improve day vision as well, says my twelve-year-old!))) Now I know that someone reading this will say that scientists have debunked this old wives tale. I want to remind you that rabbits love to eat carrots and they are nocturnal and have great night vision, owls also have great night vision but they eat mice and I don’t know about you but I would rather eat a carrot than a mouse! Yuk! Eeww! Nasty!!!! I have always eaten carrots and I have great night vision so in my opinion this time I will believe the old wives tale rather than scientists. After all scientists preached for years that eggs, butter, and bacon were bad for you and now tell us that eggs, butter, and bacon are better for you than no eggs, margarine and shortening! I just threw in the bacon because I like it but I only eat it on Sunday! Why only on Sunday? Because I go out to lunch at my favorite brunch buffet and they make the best bacon! Also my smoke alarms love to go off at the slightest smoke signal and, well, I always seem to burn the bacon! Maybe that’s why I like bacon really super crispy!
Something else I’ve learned through the years is to be a great actress. I recommend to all you young whippersnappers, aka youthful people, that you learn this art as well. Why? Simple, it will really come in handy many times in your lifetime. For instance, when your twelve-year old says, “Mom, what’s that guy doing?” You look and see a bare butt (or as we used to say in the 90’s someone is mooning you) of a college kid who thought it would be funny to moon you and your pre-teen as you drive past his fraternity house! You want to burst out laughing but the occasion is not right for laughter and so you put on your somber face and say, “What?” Ignoring the situation is always best and good acting skills work in such instances. Trust me, I know! Or what about the time my four-year old brought me a diamond necklace I had never seen before and was so pleased to let me know that he found my lost necklace under my bed! Hmmm! I think I should have been given an academy award for saying thank you and praising him for finding “my” necklace so that he wouldn’t see me cry because I knew for sure someone else had slept in my bed! True story!
Also you need to learn to master “the stare!” You know that “stare” that comes in so useful in the course of your lifetime. For instance, my child comes and asks me, “Do I have to practice my piano today?” You pause what you are doing, turn to your child and give them a moment of that “stare” and then reply, “It is your decision.” The child gets upset and says, “Oh great, now I will feel guilty the rest of my life if I don’t practice the piano!” Bingo! Mom wins again! Oh and by the way, “the stare” became very useful when I returned the necklace to the one who brought home the one who lost the diamond necklace under my bed! Umhuh!
Now I have to be honest with you, I’m a little undecided about this next bit of advice. Is it or isn’t it best to tell a little white lie in order to spare your friend’s feelings? Hmmmm! So your female friend comes to you and says, “What do you think about my outfit? I can’t decide if it looks nice or not?” Do you say, “Oh honey, you look like a cooked roasting ear in those leggings especially when I see all your varicose veins, stretch marks, and fat deposits sticking out like kernels of popcorn!” Or do you probe further and ask, “Do you like this outfit?” Everything hangs on her answer because if she does like the outfit you will probably hurt her feelings by telling her your opinion of how she looks in that outfit. On the other hand if she says, “Not really but I need a second opinion.” Then you have a green light to the truth honey! After all a little white lie never hurt anyone, right? Well , dear, not in this lifetime, but wait until you get to the judgement seat and you begin to see the layers upon layers of little white lies you have told over the years and then you are judged by God for them…..like I said, this is a tough one! Might be best to just not have close friends who are so unsure of their own appearance! Or else tell the truth, but do so gently! Yeah, that’s the best advice, tell the truth but do it gently especially when you write to tell me I’m not really all that funny of a writer!
Never, and I do mean NEVER, put uncomplimentary photos on social media! Especially if those photos involve me! That is if you cherish your life and who doesn’t, right? Social media isn’t like a newspaper where you can gather them all and have them burned. Social media isn’t like our old television sets before VCR recording where you view it only once and it’s gone forever! Oh no, social media is like dry skin, or acne, it will be there until you die and if you’re a member of Facebook you can die and you still have a page that just keeps going and going and going! So think before you submit any photos. You will thank me in a few years for this advice! Like when you graduate from college and you are applying for your first job and they do a social media background check on you and see you wearing that silly grin and holding a big fan with nothing else on! Or when you post that oh so funny picture of you and your buddies at that bachelor party! Umhuh, you know what I’m talking about! This is kind of like the advice my generation got from parents to always wear clean underwear in case we were ever in an accident and the hospital personnel had to cut away our jeans and our Moms didn’t want anyone to think she was lousy at washing underwear! And if by some minor miracle you skate through your twenties and thirties without any problems with your silly photos then consider yourself lucky but just know that your day is coming, especially when your teenagers start doing a social media search of your name! Do you really want them to know what you did as a teen? Do you want them to know all? Well social media tells all, my friend, so just be careful!
King Solomon said it best in one of my favorite books of the Bible. A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones., Proverbs 17:22, (New American Standard Bible).
Until next time…Katherine